I am not good at “letting go”

👐🏼 “Life is one long process of letting go.”

But I have failed to live by this mantra.

⚙️ Instead, I have believed that, given enough time, I can fix any broken situation.

🪛 That I can improve things. Repair things. That I can figure it out, and make a difference in the world.

The problem is, I have often been right. I have helped detangle many complicated situations. I have improved systems and communities. I have blazed trails that others can travel.

😷 But then, Covid arrived. And most days, the only trail I blazed went backward. I wasn't prepared, none of us were. And my perceived effectiveness plummeted.

🙅‍♂️ I did not. Let go. I doubled down on effort, trying to "solve" the worldwide pandemic, at least for my corner of the world. Valiant efforts, but it was killing me.

Until last fall.

Sometimes your physical health taps you on the shoulder.

👉 My physical health got my attention, but it was pointing to something else.

🧠 My mental health.

🤔 Finally, I realized that my midwestern, German-Catholic, white male entitled, “can-do” attitude had delivered in an unpleasant way.

🏆 I was a 44-year-old ordained pastor with a successful career. A multi-published author with a perfect family.

😔 But I was depressed for the first time in my life.

😤 The problem with depression is that it does not respond well when you work harder, plunge ahead, and keep on keeping on. The tools I had always relied on were, suddenly, ineffective.

😔 I needed grace. Surrender. Vulnerability. Self-compassion.

👐 In two words, I needed to let go.

(And I still need to.)

#mentalhealth #burnout #healthcarecoworkerburnout #depressionawareness