Father’s Day and Men’s Mental Health Month
Chris Rock said, “Only women, children, and dogs are loved unconditionally. A man is only loved if he provides something.”
His grandmother said, “A broke man is like a broke hand–can’t do nothing with it.”
I heard the comedian express this thought in 2023–when I was burned out and depressed.
In my journal, I wrote, “That’s f*cking messed up. And I feel it.”
Women, before you object to this sentiment, reminding me that being a woman isn’t exactly all sunshine and rainbows…
I know.
I believe you.
You’re right.
But, for men’s mental health month, I have to explain how this feels.
Do I believe all people have value? Yes
Do I believe I have value? Only if I am contributing to my family, community, and world.
Do I believe that all people are worthy of love, no matter what? Yes
Do I love myself? Only when I am being productive and doing good work.
Do I love you intrinsically, with all my heart? Yes
Do I express love to my own soul? No, I am a screw up.
Before you pity me–
Poor ‘ol Patrick needs to learn to love himself–
Let me inject my actual life situation into this conversation.
-Secure upbringing with two stable and loving parents
-Married to one of the most loving people in the history of humankind
-Positive, enjoyable relationships with my adult children
So, here’s the point for men’s mental health month:
This poison infects men everywhere.
“I am not lovable.”
“If I am weak, I should be thrown away.”
“If I can’t provide for my family, I am a loser.”
Yes. Yes, yes.
I recognize that these are messages of toxic masculinity.
Yes, I recognize that men perpetuate these lies–maybe more than anyone else.
Yes, I do experience unconditional love in my life.
And yet… men can’t change our inner beliefs like we change out of work clothes at the end of the day.
These stories are sticky.
They stay.
They lay in wait.
Countless men have told me their version of the same story.
“I am not sure I can do this any more. But if I can’t go to work, what good am I?”
If you or a man you love feels that way, let me leave you with three thoughts:
1. You are not alone. Most men wrestle with these feelings at one time or another.
2. Moral collapse is a common escape–but a short-sighted solution. Self-love, self-compassion, and pursuing your own healthy interests can deliver the same emotional dopamine as an affair, p*rn, or being a d*ck to everyone—without blowing up your life in the process.
3. You are just as worthy of love as anyone else. Yes, even with your secrets and limitations. I love you. My guess is at least one other person loves you, too.
Let’s create a world where Chris Rock is wrong.
Let’s create a world where men know they are always valued.
Let’s create a world where men don’t choose death by suicide because they can’t imagine another solution.
Men, your value isn’t determined by your paycheck, performance appraisal, physical strength, or mochismo.
You are loveable because you were born.
You are loved because you are a human being.
You are worthwhile simply because you exist in this space and time.
I love you. And, I am trying to love myself.
Happy Father’s Day.
Love yourself so you can love others.
Honor your own mental health.
