Panic attacks and mantras

Panic attacks and mantras.

Anyone who has transitioned out of traditional W2 work understands the anxiety that I've felt for the last two years.

As a healthcare leader, my paycheck arrived every two weeks--at a predictable time and with a predictable amount.

Now that I speak, write, and coach fulltime, nothing is predictable about the pay.

Like many people, especially men my age, I tend to tie my worth to my income.

That has been problematic for me in this season. You see, my income varies widely from month to month.

Have I experienced months when I didn't earn anything at all?
Yes.

Have I had months when I earned 3-4x what I earned as a healthcare leader?
Also, yes.

The wild swings are like a financial roller coaster.

Not long ago, my brain started catastrophizing our finances. It was a low month, which followed another low month.

My inner dialogue became progressively more dark.

"You're never going to make it."
"You're ruining your family's financial situation."
"You don't have what it takes to run a business."

One Friday morning, my brain was abusing my heart.

I felt a familiar panic start to rise.

When I am feeling fearful about money, everything is triggering.

The darkness closed in.
I had to leave the house.
Some fresh air and a coffeeshop helped abate the overwhelm, but only temporarily.

Back at home, I dove into our finances, calculating just "how bad" things could become. The picture wasn't rosy.

On Sunday, I decided to journal and deep dive again. Not into our finances. But into my own brain and emotions around money.

What was my brain telling me on Friday?
It was saying--"You are going to financially bankrupt your family."

So, I decided to test the veracity of that claim.
I did some math on what it would take for us to actually go bankrupt.

I assumed worst case scenarios for the coming years, since that's what my brain wants to adhere to when I am the darkness.

When I was done, the math told me that we'd have to experience at least four years of "worst-case-scenario" finances to even approach bankruptcy.

Huh.

It was time to take my own medicine.

I encourage burned out people to develop mantras about their stress.
The ones that have worked for me in the past were:
"Things can change at any time." and
"It's not my job to save the world."

But in this new season, I need new mantras.

So, here they are.

1. I am living my dream
For years, I dreamt about speaking and writing full time. Now, that's exactly what I am doing.

2. I can help.
Burnout is an epidemic that is hurting so many people and organizations. I can help with that.

3. Bankruptcy is at least four years away.
This mantra, which is a little tongue-in-cheek, acknowledges the ups and downs. But it reminds me that I can't ruin my family's life TODAY.

What mantras are carrying you through your dark times?