Only Focusing on the Afterlife
Some mistakes are like gravity. Even experienced caregivers are pulled towards committing these cardinal sins.
In my book How to Talk with Sick, Dying, and Grieving People: When There are No Magic Words to Say, I list them all. Today, let me share just one common mistake that tempts so many of us.
Mistake #3. Only focusing on the afterlife
Let me tell you a story.
For several months, our daughter was haunted by night terrors.
Not simply nightmares, but night terrors.
If you have ever seen someone have a night terror, you know the difference. It’s a combination of sleepwalking and a nightmare and multiplied by ten.
Each night, a couple of hours after we put her to bed, she woke up screaming hysterically. She would repeat one or two words, usually “Mommy…” followed by another word or phrase.
At first, we tried to wake her up and tell her everything was ok. Every time she called for us, we asked “What is the matter, sweetie?” Sadly, she could never respond to our attempts to communicate.
We bought a camera for her room so we could see what was causing all the chaos.
The answer? Nothing. There was no cause.
She just woke up with tears flowing, chin quivering and arms flailing.
When we learned about night terrors, we changed our approach.
We no longer tried to dialogue with her. We didn’t get as frustrated with her. We didn’t ask her what was wrong. We just tried to be close to her, give her what she needed, and wait it out. Usually, in about ten minutes she went back to sleep. She never even remembered those events the next morning.
Trying to convince my daughter that ‘everything was okay’ during these episodes is similar to trying to tell a griever that everything is okay because their loved one is in heaven. It might be true, but it’s not effective.
It's not that we can't focus on the afterlife at all, but we can't focus SOLELY on the afterlife.
After all, it's Christmas. Even God was interested in being here, in this place, on earth. Not just in Heaven.
The grievers in your life are thankful for the promise of heaven. But that doesn't erase their sadness.
