What NOT to say to griever (Tip #6)

6. At least…

Kate Bowler calls this “brightsiding.” It comes in many forms.

At least you got to say goodbye.

At least you had a lot of years together.

At least you didn’t have time to get attached.

At least you know where she’s going.

At least it was quick.

At least you had a long time to prepare.

At least you still have other living children.

This cliché, like others, does two hurtful things. First, it minimizes the grief of the griever. Any statement that begins with at least puts two realities on a scale. 

On one side is their loss. On the other side is whatever reality with which the at least statement concludes (e.g., other living children, many years, the promise of heaven, etc.). 

The implication is that there are realities that could outweigh their grief. 

However, if you have ever carried real grief, you know this isn’t true. 

Second, at least comments are trying to fix a situation that cannot be fixed. 

After all, if I can convince you that the promise of heaven is greater than the pain of grief, you’ll stop being so sad, and I’ll feel like I solved your problem.

If you are about to say “at least…”, instead try, “does it help that…?” Does it help that you had a long time to say goodbye? Does it help to think about them in heaven?

That makes the griever the expert, and invites them to talk about their feelings.